i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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