Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
That accounts for only three of the penises
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
