you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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