remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
