I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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