I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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