so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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