Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If I die, sorry about rent.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
