I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
