I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
