Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize