I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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