I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
