you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
