Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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