The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize