Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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