One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
