I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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