I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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