I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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