I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
What a dumb baby whore.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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