Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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