Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
