We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
