last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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