So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
