I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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