In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
