So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize