Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
