Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
