I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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