Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
