so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
