I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
