i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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