Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
