i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
