YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
