we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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