Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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