You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
