I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
