onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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