You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Randomize
