Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
