life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize