sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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