You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
