are you still at the devil's house?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
