my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
