I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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