i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
