I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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