hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
