So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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