Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
